Tag Archives: unexplained infertility

day 7/100: beginning of the end

Posted in fashion, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

My BBT dropped to 96.87 and my resting heartrate dropped too, so that’s it. This cycle is another failure. It’s only 11DPO, so it’s both upsetting to reach this point again but helping that it isn’t getting dragged out, my hopes aren’t getting raised. Now I just have to wait for the bleeding to start.

Shane wanted to cheer me up when I got home from work; he took me out to Denny’s to get breakfast for dinner. It’s a little thing, nothing fancy, but he makes me feel so loved when he does things like that. Plus he really wants to get me out of the house more often, I don’t leave much.

Beauty and Health: make mood board for dream look

Oh man. I got stuck on this immediately. I don’t how I want to look at all. My style has changed a lot over the past few years- back in the day I was very twee/hipster/Modcloth/retro, then it turned into graphic tees and leggings, then I started trying to dress nicer. Now my wardrobe has basically become cottagecore sundresses or athleisure. Which is nice and all, but I still struggle with styling things. This weekend I want to sort through my wardrobe and really be honest with myself about how I want to look and if my wardrobe is actually working for me or not. And then maybe I can decide what my dream look is.

Creativity: make a new vision board

This also got me stuck pretty much immediately. I made vision boards for 2024 and 2025, and then just made myself sad because I didn’t get pregnant either of those years. The idea of making a vision board for 2026 just makes me sad. So…I kind of didn’t do this one. I might try again tomorrow.

Connection: reblog some of my favorite fanart with commentary

I have been very very lucky to get fanart for some of my fics, and I went through and reblogged a handful of them. It’s weird, though- I’m so anxious about promoting my own fics. I’m not very good at it, it just makes me feel nervous.

day 5/100: staying upright

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

I really hate this part of my cycle. My BBT is staying up, but the rest of my body isn’t giving me any hopeful signs. Everyone always says not to think about it, but that’s all I can do.

So anyways.

Beauty and Health: go to bed earlier

I do a horrible job sleeping regularly. I want to be asleep by at least 11:30 every night, but sometimes I fall asleep at 10, sometimes I’m in bed by 11:30 and fall asleep at 2am. Tonight I’m determined to stick to the firm bedtime.

Creativity: start cruise packing list

My dad is retiring in April so for a celebration we’re going on a family cruise on the Disney Treasure for a week in May. It’s crazy- we’ve done more family vacations in the past year than we did in my entire childhood. But it’s giving me something to look forward to, I love writing packing lists and planning outfits.

Connection: make dream plans for Maeve to visit

My best friend Maeve lives across the country and we’re hoping she can come visit me later this year; we’ve chatted about what we want to do when she gets here. I sent her a couple of Tiktoks of fun local places and theme park things. I really hope she’s able to visit.

Journaling: what am I ready to release?

day 3/100: fighting anxiety

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

This challenge is great and also the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. On one hand, these activities genuinely are helpful. On the other hand, now that I’m blogging about it, and making Tiktoks, it’s terrifying to be vulnerable. But I need to stop hiding how sad I am and how much of a toll this has taken on me.

Today is 7dpo, so it’s still that Schroedinger’s phase- either implantation is working or it’s not. It’s so stressful but I’m trying not to stress; I’m trying not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. Truly an awful phase to be in.

My plan had been to get up early before work and get myself going- and that definitely didn’t happen. Another thing I’m trying to do is listen to my body and rest when I need it, and I definitely needed more sleep. I also forgot my Fitbit at home, so I couldn’t track my steps. Whoops. We’ll try again tomorrow!

Beauty and Health: buy new sunglasses

I’ve been putting off prescription sunglasses for years, for no real good reason. I just always talk myself out of them. So I ordered a cute pair of pink prescription sunglasses off Zeelool, and hopefully I’ll like them when they get here!

Creativity: sketch a dream dress

I’m planning on an outfit to make for a Florence and the Machine concert next month, so I’ve figured out what I want to sew. I really want a Victorian ghost nightgown meets Stevie Nicks, so I found a Gunne Sax inspired pattern on Etsy that will be perfect for the ten yards of ivory dotted swiss tulle I have in my stash.

Connection: brainstorm coping mechanisms with friends

Maeve has been my rock through the past three years- she’s helped so much with keeping me distracted. My therapist also send me resources of progressive muslce relaxation and I really hope that makes a difference.

Journaling prompt: what does beauty mean to me now?

This is an uncomfortable topic for me. I don’t feel beautiful ever- how could I possibly feel anything good about myself when my body doesn’t work? Maybe making myself go through this challenge will help shift that view.