Tag Archives: 75 hard

day 3/100: fighting anxiety

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

This challenge is great and also the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. On one hand, these activities genuinely are helpful. On the other hand, now that I’m blogging about it, and making Tiktoks, it’s terrifying to be vulnerable. But I need to stop hiding how sad I am and how much of a toll this has taken on me.

Today is 7dpo, so it’s still that Schroedinger’s phase- either implantation is working or it’s not. It’s so stressful but I’m trying not to stress; I’m trying not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. Truly an awful phase to be in.

My plan had been to get up early before work and get myself going- and that definitely didn’t happen. Another thing I’m trying to do is listen to my body and rest when I need it, and I definitely needed more sleep. I also forgot my Fitbit at home, so I couldn’t track my steps. Whoops. We’ll try again tomorrow!

Beauty and Health: buy new sunglasses

I’ve been putting off prescription sunglasses for years, for no real good reason. I just always talk myself out of them. So I ordered a cute pair of pink prescription sunglasses off Zeelool, and hopefully I’ll like them when they get here!

Creativity: sketch a dream dress

I’m planning on an outfit to make for a Florence and the Machine concert next month, so I’ve figured out what I want to sew. I really want a Victorian ghost nightgown meets Stevie Nicks, so I found a Gunne Sax inspired pattern on Etsy that will be perfect for the ten yards of ivory dotted swiss tulle I have in my stash.

Connection: brainstorm coping mechanisms with friends

Maeve has been my rock through the past three years- she’s helped so much with keeping me distracted. My therapist also send me resources of progressive muslce relaxation and I really hope that makes a difference.

Journaling prompt: what does beauty mean to me now?

This is an uncomfortable topic for me. I don’t feel beautiful ever- how could I possibly feel anything good about myself when my body doesn’t work? Maybe making myself go through this challenge will help shift that view.

day 2/100: getting started

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

Like I expected, today was another day for prepping rather than actually jumping into the routines. But I still got a lot done! I actually went grocery shopping solo- which might sound silly, but usually I only shop with my husband, mostly because it’s more fun. But I think having an unreliable car really affected my ability to function, I’ve gotten in a really bad habit over never going anywhere without either borrowing my husband’s car or going with him. Today’s shopping was really successful though!

Today is cycle day 19, 6dpo, which means this starts the implantation window. I love and hate this stage so so much- every cycle I get my hopes up and think too much about every symptom and start picturing the timeline- when I’ll test, when I can tell people, when I’ll hit milestones, when I’ll be due. Inevitably I’ve been disappointed. At this point it’s hard to even envision what that’ll be like. Maybe cycle 42 will be different. Maybe it’ll be the same.

I didn’t do well with the eating and sleeping and exercising, but my goal for tomorrow is to start with the routine. I’m trying not to beat myself up or convince myself to restart everything- it’ll be okay! it’ll be fine! I’m not in trouble!

Beauty and Style: work on brows

My eyebrows have always been a huge annoyance. Most of the time I just let them do whatever and hope my glasses hide them, but I think I would feel better if they were better groomed. Eventually I’ll get up the nerve to have someone else wax them, but for today I slapped on some facial Nair and tweezed the strays. I think it made a difference?

Creativity and Self Care: research plants

I really want to have some flowers by my front door, but I live in a hot humid swamp, and in an apartment, plus I don’t really know much about plants. I don’t really want anything tropical either, but my desire for wildflowers probably won’t work out. After researching…maybe marigolds or gardenias?

Connection: catch up on AO3 comments

Confession time: I’m a huge lover of writing fanfiction. It’s fun, it’s creatively fulfilling without the pressure of original writing, and it’s a great way for me to make friends and connect with people. I’m just super behind on comments! I tried to knock out about 20-25 responses, but I still have a long ways to go.

Cleaning: catch up on laundry

We’ve gotten way behind on laundry, and when I say we I mean me. Shane and I believe in dividing our chores, and I’m usually on top of the laundry. It’s just gotten away from me. It doesn’t help that our sweet kitty is elderly (he just turned fifteen this week!) and he’s been having trouble with peeing, which means we tend to just toss in the stuff that…really needs to be washed. But today I did about five loads, and put them away! (Can we be real here- putting the laundry away is the worst step.)

Journaling: what emotions am I feeling today about TTC?

That wraps up day 2! Tomorrow I’m absolutely determined to get up early and stick to my routine. I don’t know if it’ll happen or if I’ll be too tired (I’m already behind on my self imposed bedtime), but I’m going to do my best.

day one (let’s try again)

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What is it they saw about “the best laid plans?”

I tried to start this challenge on January 9th. I even wrote my initial blog post. But three things happened: one, I chickened out of making a Tiktok, even though that was an important element of this project that I really wanted to try. Two, my grandmother passed away, which was tumultuous emotionally. Three, my car…well, for a lack of a better word, exploded.

Everything sort of spiraled out of control from there. I wasn’t in a good headspace for a challenge, my family was under a lot of stress while my mom was taking care of things out of state, and buying a car went from a “I should do this soon” to “I need to do this right this second.”

So now things have calmed down a bit. My mom is back, I have a safe new car (with air conditioning and an intact back window!), and I have actually put together my first Tiktok. However, I am now on cycle day 18 (five days past ovulation) on TTC cycle #42. Not ideal.

The elements of my challenge are staying the same- tracking calories, tracking sleep, drinking more water, exercising more, keeping up with my vitamins- plus the added elements of a daily journal prompt, a beauty or health thing, a creativity thing, and a way to connect with my friends and family. I’ve also added another element- a daily cleaning thing. Keeping my apartment clean is such a struggle when I’m feeling low emotionally, so hopefully with giving myself one small task per day I can have a clean, organized home by the end of the 100 days.

So what did I do today?

I’m going to be honest…the calories/water/exercise/sleep isn’t going to start until Saturday. My off days at work are Thursdays and Fridays, so this weekend is more for me to get my shit together, so to speak. Saturday will kick off the routine. So did I eat well or exercise today? No, but we’ll get there.

Beauty and Style: trim my hair

My hair is…sad. So sad. My thyroid condition means that my hair is very brittle and fragile, on top of not being blessed by genetics. My hair doesn’t really grow, it’s very frizzy, and the ends are wild. Eventually I’ll go get a haircut, but today I trimmed the ends, dusted the worst of the split ends, and attempted to shape the front pieces just a little bit. I’m also attempting the Abbey Yung method- I’ve been half heartedly trying it since the new year, but I really want to focus on it.

Creativity: take before and after photos

Okay, so these were taken. Am I going to share them? Not yet. I’m not ready for that. I am…not confident right now. My weight has shot up over the past few years with my thyroid/depressive eating/side effects from fertility medications. I was able to lose about sixty pounds, but I’ve gained a little of it back over the past three months. I have a number I’d like to reach by the end of the 100 days, but at the very least I’d like to feel healthier and stronger and more confident by the time I go on my family vacation at the beginning of May. I also took my measurements, so we’ll see how those things change.

Connection: get recommendations for things to read and watch

I love to read, but I never make time for it. A lot of my friends are also huge readers, so I want to take their recommendations so we can have more things to talk and bond over! I’ve got a running list of books and movies and TV shows, so I’ll see how many of them I’m able to get through.

Cleaning: tidy up my car

My old car (a 2013 Chevy Sonic) was being held together by good vibes. The coolant system had broken at least once a year for five years, it hasn’t had AC or heat for at least two, and it stalled out on me more times than I can count. When we took it to get repaired last spring (after getting it towed twice in 48 hours), the mechanic told us not to put any more money into that car. It had mold growing behind the touch screen (which had been broken since 2021). So needless to say, the whole car was a dumpster fire. I want to keep my new car as clean as possible, so I made it a point to tidy it up today. I have a bunch of cute pink accessories and bumper stickers, and I want to keep it nice!

Journaling: reflecting on three years of trying to conceive

The journaling is something I’m doing privately, but…yeah, this is a lot to unpack. This is not where I expected to be after three years, but hopefully everything will be different next year.

So there it is, day 1 out of 100. Did I do everything I wanted to do? No, but I have such an all-or-nothing personality that I need to learn how to keep going instead of restarting every time something is a little less than perfect.

day 1/100 (cycle #40, day 3)

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, the metaphor baby by

Today was the first official day for my 100 to Baby Challenge. I fully chickened out of making Tiktoks, though. I intended on making a Tiktok and and even took a few clips, and then it just…fizzled out. Maybe I’m not ready for that step. I might try again later!

The routine went well in the morning- I went for a walk, I ate breakfast, I left for work on time. I didn’t put on any makeup, but that’s okay.

Evening? Not quite as good. I had a whole plan for the afternoon, especially since I got home earlier than usual, but all my plans go thrown out the window. Not only was my husband home (a good thing, but he’s the most chaotic human and I didn’t plan to work around him), but he had A) disassembled our old broken bed frame and thrown it out, B) had all the pieces of the new bed frame scattered across the apartment, and C) had started making a different dinner from the one we’d agreed on the night before. My whole neurodivergent brain went WOOP.

We got it all figured out, but I didn’t end up doing my second workout or cleaning, and I definitely didn’t stick to my healthy eating (the food itself wasn’t unhealthy, but I did eat more than I planned). But I did get back on track with my nighttime skincare routine, and here I am blogging! Tomorrow I close at work, so things will be unpredictable again, but I have a night shift routine planned out and I’m hoping for the best.

Health
-didn’t sleep 7 hours, but did get an 86 sleep score
-ate decently today- I’d give myself a 7/10
-went for a morning walk but didn’t do afternoon workout
-vitamins taken!

Beauty and Style: Work on brows
My brows tend to go crazy. I feel like I have no idea what to do with them. I at least tried to tame them, which is more than I’ve done in months!

Creativity and Self Care: build a playlist for the year
I made myself a quick Spotify playlist with some of my favorite “keep going” songs. My motto for this year is “do it sad,” so I picked a lot of high energy hopeful songs- “Don’t Lose Sight” by Lawrence, “Dog Days are Over” by Florence and the Machine, “Opalite” by Taylor Swift. Things like that.

Connection: make 2026 goals with Shane
This ended up being a really sweet little conversation. He wants us to go to more baseball games together, go out to eat at more restaurants instead of picking up food and bringing it home when we treat ourselves, and going on walks together. I love all those plans. I was just going to say that my goal was for us to have a baby, but I love all of these ideas that he had.

**Journaling Prompt: What are my fears around fertility, and where do they come from?