day 7/100: beginning of the end

Posted in fashion, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

My BBT dropped to 96.87 and my resting heartrate dropped too, so that’s it. This cycle is another failure. It’s only 11DPO, so it’s both upsetting to reach this point again but helping that it isn’t getting dragged out, my hopes aren’t getting raised. Now I just have to wait for the bleeding to start.

Shane wanted to cheer me up when I got home from work; he took me out to Denny’s to get breakfast for dinner. It’s a little thing, nothing fancy, but he makes me feel so loved when he does things like that. Plus he really wants to get me out of the house more often, I don’t leave much.

Beauty and Health: make mood board for dream look

Oh man. I got stuck on this immediately. I don’t how I want to look at all. My style has changed a lot over the past few years- back in the day I was very twee/hipster/Modcloth/retro, then it turned into graphic tees and leggings, then I started trying to dress nicer. Now my wardrobe has basically become cottagecore sundresses or athleisure. Which is nice and all, but I still struggle with styling things. This weekend I want to sort through my wardrobe and really be honest with myself about how I want to look and if my wardrobe is actually working for me or not. And then maybe I can decide what my dream look is.

Creativity: make a new vision board

This also got me stuck pretty much immediately. I made vision boards for 2024 and 2025, and then just made myself sad because I didn’t get pregnant either of those years. The idea of making a vision board for 2026 just makes me sad. So…I kind of didn’t do this one. I might try again tomorrow.

Connection: reblog some of my favorite fanart with commentary

I have been very very lucky to get fanart for some of my fics, and I went through and reblogged a handful of them. It’s weird, though- I’m so anxious about promoting my own fics. I’m not very good at it, it just makes me feel nervous.

day 6/100: mixed emotions

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, sewing, the metaphor baby, TTC by

Today started off so promising and so awful at the same time. I got up with enough time to do almost my full morning routine, including a 30 minute treadmill walk, which is fantastic, but I’m 10DPO and my BBT took a huge drop, which is a pretty telltale sign that this cycle is another failure. I tried not to think about it too much during the day, but by the time I got home I was too sad to think about attempting my nighttime routine. So that was a huge bust.

Beauty and Health: figure out color season

I legitimately have no clue about what I am. My skin tends to have a neutral yellowy peach tone but I flush red/pink super easily. My natural hair color is a sad dirty blonde but I love dyeing it ginger. Originally I thought I was a warm spring, but I don’t feel like those colors suit me. Now I think I’m a soft summer. Thankfully those colors are already pretty prevalent in my wardrobe, but I have no idea what to do about my hair color. I tried dyeing it a more neutral ash light brown, but it immediately faded to a warm gingery blonde. Again. I think that’s just what my hair wants from me. But then I feel like all of me is the same weird gingery color, it’s too close to my skin color. I don’t know. I’ve got to play around with it some more.

Creativity: plan new sewing projects

I used to sew A LOT back in the day. I worked at a bridal shop, I sewed costumes for theatre productions, I made clothes for myself. Then…I don’t know. I just stopped. In the past few years I’ve made like two things. I want to get back into sewing, so I’m planning out sundresses I can make for my cruise, plus a dress I can wear to the Florence and the Machine concert in April.

Connection: cash in a Maeve coupon

Maeve is a super talented artist, and she gave me the all clear to add a few coupons for this challenge to cash in for artwork during this challenge. I can’t decide what I’ll ask her to draw, but I’ll think of something for sure.

Journaling: how is my heart doing, and what does it need to feel held?

day 5/100: staying upright

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

I really hate this part of my cycle. My BBT is staying up, but the rest of my body isn’t giving me any hopeful signs. Everyone always says not to think about it, but that’s all I can do.

So anyways.

Beauty and Health: go to bed earlier

I do a horrible job sleeping regularly. I want to be asleep by at least 11:30 every night, but sometimes I fall asleep at 10, sometimes I’m in bed by 11:30 and fall asleep at 2am. Tonight I’m determined to stick to the firm bedtime.

Creativity: start cruise packing list

My dad is retiring in April so for a celebration we’re going on a family cruise on the Disney Treasure for a week in May. It’s crazy- we’ve done more family vacations in the past year than we did in my entire childhood. But it’s giving me something to look forward to, I love writing packing lists and planning outfits.

Connection: make dream plans for Maeve to visit

My best friend Maeve lives across the country and we’re hoping she can come visit me later this year; we’ve chatted about what we want to do when she gets here. I sent her a couple of Tiktoks of fun local places and theme park things. I really hope she’s able to visit.

Journaling: what am I ready to release?

day 4/100: stalling

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I feel like I’m stuck in the mud. I’ve been putting off this challenge for ages, and I think it’s because…I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to have to feel like I want to keep living, I don’t want to struggle to get pregnant, I don’t want to be like this. If my body just cooperated, I wouldn’t be doing this challenge. But it’s not, and here I am.

Today is 8dpo and I’m still in that maybe I’m pregnant, maybe I’m not stage. I’m leaning towards not. I’ve had multiple chemicals so at this point I know what I feel like when my body is attempting to function, and I’m not feeling any of that. But at the same I’ve never been successfully pregnant in the past three years, so who knows.

Anyways. The challenge.

Beauty and Health: set up regular purse

Back in December I bought myself a nice purse to use for everyday- I usually don’t care about that, I either bring a Loungefly for a park day or I just shove everything in my pockets. Neither is really ideal, I’d like to have a designated purse that looks nice and has everything I need without having to keep switching everything around. I like the purse I got (the Sloane bag from Popflex in taupe) but I haven’t even cut the tags off it, much less used it. I treated myself to a little Five Below/Target shopping run to stock it up. Now let’s see if I’ll actually use it.

Creativity and Self Care: do a sudoku puzzle

I don’t do much to challenge my mind, other than the occasional weeklong binge of Candy Crush, and that should probably change. I downloaded an app and played a few rounds. I don’t know if it’s necessarily for me, but it was nice to do something that actually used my brain cells.

Connection: create a starter kit for new readers

Okay, so this was pretty fun. I asked my followers on Tumblr what they would want to see for a starter kit- the general consensus was that Patron Saint of Lost Causes is my most iconic fic, so I started with that. I highlighted a couple of my most well known fics plus a little about me. I still haven’t hit publish on it, but I started it at least.

Cleaning

I’m going to be honest…I immediately fell off the wagon with this one. Cleaning just isn’t one of my skills, plus it’s tied up with the trauma I went through with my ex (a long story, I can explain that if anyone wants to know the Lore). I love the idea of picking one task per day, but it just doesn’t work for me. I’m going to try to do a thorough deep clean this weekend instead and see how much I can get done.

Journaling: where can I find peace, even just for today?

day 3/100: fighting anxiety

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This challenge is great and also the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. On one hand, these activities genuinely are helpful. On the other hand, now that I’m blogging about it, and making Tiktoks, it’s terrifying to be vulnerable. But I need to stop hiding how sad I am and how much of a toll this has taken on me.

Today is 7dpo, so it’s still that Schroedinger’s phase- either implantation is working or it’s not. It’s so stressful but I’m trying not to stress; I’m trying not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. Truly an awful phase to be in.

My plan had been to get up early before work and get myself going- and that definitely didn’t happen. Another thing I’m trying to do is listen to my body and rest when I need it, and I definitely needed more sleep. I also forgot my Fitbit at home, so I couldn’t track my steps. Whoops. We’ll try again tomorrow!

Beauty and Health: buy new sunglasses

I’ve been putting off prescription sunglasses for years, for no real good reason. I just always talk myself out of them. So I ordered a cute pair of pink prescription sunglasses off Zeelool, and hopefully I’ll like them when they get here!

Creativity: sketch a dream dress

I’m planning on an outfit to make for a Florence and the Machine concert next month, so I’ve figured out what I want to sew. I really want a Victorian ghost nightgown meets Stevie Nicks, so I found a Gunne Sax inspired pattern on Etsy that will be perfect for the ten yards of ivory dotted swiss tulle I have in my stash.

Connection: brainstorm coping mechanisms with friends

Maeve has been my rock through the past three years- she’s helped so much with keeping me distracted. My therapist also send me resources of progressive muslce relaxation and I really hope that makes a difference.

Journaling prompt: what does beauty mean to me now?

This is an uncomfortable topic for me. I don’t feel beautiful ever- how could I possibly feel anything good about myself when my body doesn’t work? Maybe making myself go through this challenge will help shift that view.

day 2/100: getting started

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Like I expected, today was another day for prepping rather than actually jumping into the routines. But I still got a lot done! I actually went grocery shopping solo- which might sound silly, but usually I only shop with my husband, mostly because it’s more fun. But I think having an unreliable car really affected my ability to function, I’ve gotten in a really bad habit over never going anywhere without either borrowing my husband’s car or going with him. Today’s shopping was really successful though!

Today is cycle day 19, 6dpo, which means this starts the implantation window. I love and hate this stage so so much- every cycle I get my hopes up and think too much about every symptom and start picturing the timeline- when I’ll test, when I can tell people, when I’ll hit milestones, when I’ll be due. Inevitably I’ve been disappointed. At this point it’s hard to even envision what that’ll be like. Maybe cycle 42 will be different. Maybe it’ll be the same.

I didn’t do well with the eating and sleeping and exercising, but my goal for tomorrow is to start with the routine. I’m trying not to beat myself up or convince myself to restart everything- it’ll be okay! it’ll be fine! I’m not in trouble!

Beauty and Style: work on brows

My eyebrows have always been a huge annoyance. Most of the time I just let them do whatever and hope my glasses hide them, but I think I would feel better if they were better groomed. Eventually I’ll get up the nerve to have someone else wax them, but for today I slapped on some facial Nair and tweezed the strays. I think it made a difference?

Creativity and Self Care: research plants

I really want to have some flowers by my front door, but I live in a hot humid swamp, and in an apartment, plus I don’t really know much about plants. I don’t really want anything tropical either, but my desire for wildflowers probably won’t work out. After researching…maybe marigolds or gardenias?

Connection: catch up on AO3 comments

Confession time: I’m a huge lover of writing fanfiction. It’s fun, it’s creatively fulfilling without the pressure of original writing, and it’s a great way for me to make friends and connect with people. I’m just super behind on comments! I tried to knock out about 20-25 responses, but I still have a long ways to go.

Cleaning: catch up on laundry

We’ve gotten way behind on laundry, and when I say we I mean me. Shane and I believe in dividing our chores, and I’m usually on top of the laundry. It’s just gotten away from me. It doesn’t help that our sweet kitty is elderly (he just turned fifteen this week!) and he’s been having trouble with peeing, which means we tend to just toss in the stuff that…really needs to be washed. But today I did about five loads, and put them away! (Can we be real here- putting the laundry away is the worst step.)

Journaling: what emotions am I feeling today about TTC?

That wraps up day 2! Tomorrow I’m absolutely determined to get up early and stick to my routine. I don’t know if it’ll happen or if I’ll be too tired (I’m already behind on my self imposed bedtime), but I’m going to do my best.

day one (let’s try again)

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What is it they saw about “the best laid plans?”

I tried to start this challenge on January 9th. I even wrote my initial blog post. But three things happened: one, I chickened out of making a Tiktok, even though that was an important element of this project that I really wanted to try. Two, my grandmother passed away, which was tumultuous emotionally. Three, my car…well, for a lack of a better word, exploded.

Everything sort of spiraled out of control from there. I wasn’t in a good headspace for a challenge, my family was under a lot of stress while my mom was taking care of things out of state, and buying a car went from a “I should do this soon” to “I need to do this right this second.”

So now things have calmed down a bit. My mom is back, I have a safe new car (with air conditioning and an intact back window!), and I have actually put together my first Tiktok. However, I am now on cycle day 18 (five days past ovulation) on TTC cycle #42. Not ideal.

The elements of my challenge are staying the same- tracking calories, tracking sleep, drinking more water, exercising more, keeping up with my vitamins- plus the added elements of a daily journal prompt, a beauty or health thing, a creativity thing, and a way to connect with my friends and family. I’ve also added another element- a daily cleaning thing. Keeping my apartment clean is such a struggle when I’m feeling low emotionally, so hopefully with giving myself one small task per day I can have a clean, organized home by the end of the 100 days.

So what did I do today?

I’m going to be honest…the calories/water/exercise/sleep isn’t going to start until Saturday. My off days at work are Thursdays and Fridays, so this weekend is more for me to get my shit together, so to speak. Saturday will kick off the routine. So did I eat well or exercise today? No, but we’ll get there.

Beauty and Style: trim my hair

My hair is…sad. So sad. My thyroid condition means that my hair is very brittle and fragile, on top of not being blessed by genetics. My hair doesn’t really grow, it’s very frizzy, and the ends are wild. Eventually I’ll go get a haircut, but today I trimmed the ends, dusted the worst of the split ends, and attempted to shape the front pieces just a little bit. I’m also attempting the Abbey Yung method- I’ve been half heartedly trying it since the new year, but I really want to focus on it.

Creativity: take before and after photos

Okay, so these were taken. Am I going to share them? Not yet. I’m not ready for that. I am…not confident right now. My weight has shot up over the past few years with my thyroid/depressive eating/side effects from fertility medications. I was able to lose about sixty pounds, but I’ve gained a little of it back over the past three months. I have a number I’d like to reach by the end of the 100 days, but at the very least I’d like to feel healthier and stronger and more confident by the time I go on my family vacation at the beginning of May. I also took my measurements, so we’ll see how those things change.

Connection: get recommendations for things to read and watch

I love to read, but I never make time for it. A lot of my friends are also huge readers, so I want to take their recommendations so we can have more things to talk and bond over! I’ve got a running list of books and movies and TV shows, so I’ll see how many of them I’m able to get through.

Cleaning: tidy up my car

My old car (a 2013 Chevy Sonic) was being held together by good vibes. The coolant system had broken at least once a year for five years, it hasn’t had AC or heat for at least two, and it stalled out on me more times than I can count. When we took it to get repaired last spring (after getting it towed twice in 48 hours), the mechanic told us not to put any more money into that car. It had mold growing behind the touch screen (which had been broken since 2021). So needless to say, the whole car was a dumpster fire. I want to keep my new car as clean as possible, so I made it a point to tidy it up today. I have a bunch of cute pink accessories and bumper stickers, and I want to keep it nice!

Journaling: reflecting on three years of trying to conceive

The journaling is something I’m doing privately, but…yeah, this is a lot to unpack. This is not where I expected to be after three years, but hopefully everything will be different next year.

So there it is, day 1 out of 100. Did I do everything I wanted to do? No, but I have such an all-or-nothing personality that I need to learn how to keep going instead of restarting every time something is a little less than perfect.

Wedding Wednesday: The Great Gown Search

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Okay, real talk. This was the part that I was really excited for, but also probably the biggest journey I went on, wedding planning wise.

Everything else seemed to click into place. Shane and I were on the same page about what we wanted, we found our venue and our photographer super easily. Everything was working.

I just had no idea what to do about a dress.

Dresses are expensive, dude. But I, regrettably, really love a fancy dress, and also…I worked in a bridal shop for a few years out of college. I was an alterations specialist, which meant I worked on everything from $99 budget satin gowns to $3,000 designer tulle confections. I learned firsthand what a well-made dress looks like and feels like, and I knew that if I was going to spend the money on a wedding dress, it needed to be worth it. I didn’t want to order an Amazon or JJ’s House dress simply because it was affordable. I wanted to truly love it and feel good in it- something that I don’t think I’ve ever felt in my life.

So initially, I was going to make my own wedding dress.

This seemed like a great idea at the time. I’ve been sewing for years, I’ve made plenty of big fancy dresses, and I’ve done bridal alterations. Makes sense, right?

I searched through my Pinterest, but that didn’t help much just because I had so many different ideas. But I did know a few things. I wanted:

-a full skirt (A-line or ballgown)

-a subtle hint of pink

-a sweetheart neckline but preferably off the shoulder

-soft fabric, most likely tulle

-no shiny silver beadwork but maybe a little sparkle

-maybe a bow?

-minimal lace- if it’s lace it needs to be soft

(sidenote: at this point I hadn’t realized I was on the autism spectrum but maybe some of this should have been a sign)

I ended up picking a McCall’s pattern for a simple princess seamed ballgown with a full skirt, a slight train, and an off the shoulder option, then ordered ten yards of a soft ivory dotted tulle. I figured that would work, and I had plenty of time (famous last words for someone who is well known as a procrastinator)

But then…we ended up spending a lot less on photography than we thought. Which meant there was possibly wiggle room for a real dress.

With that in mind, I asked my mom and sister (my maid of honor) if they would come with me to try on dresses. Just to see what I like. So I could see what silhouettes I preferred, and then I could make my own dress. Plus, I could get that special Say Yes to the Dress experience of trying on wedding dresses.

On the upside, I was able to draw on years of working in a bridal shop to know what I needed to do for my appointment. Being prepared took some of the anxiety out of the experience. (The neurodivergence strikes again!) So that being said, here’s some of my tips for trying on wedding dresses for the first time!

-look online for dresses that you’re interested in- silhouettes, designers, brands, fabrics, elements you like or don’t like. giving your consultant an idea of what to start with will help your appointment start off smoothly

-that being said, don’t be afraid to try on something you wouldn’t normally try on! you might be surprised by how much you like something you swore you’d never wear.

-be upfront about the budget, and be realistic. yes, it’s fun to try on super pricey dresses, but it’s heartbreaking to realize it’s not feasible if you really love it (this is the plot of like 23489 episodes of Say Yes to the Dress)

-eat and drink before your appointment! I didn’t want to eat too much (see above: anxiety) but having nothing in your system will for sure backfire. and have plans to eat afterwards- not only would it be good to eat something after, but that way you can debrief!

-don’t bring 87 people with you (again, a crucial Say Yes to the Dress lesson). I brought just my mom and sister for my initial appointment, and then some of my bridal party members for my second. Definitely bring just the people that will support you and uplift you even while they’re honest. Case in point- my sister was really good at pointing out what worked with the dresses I tried on and what didn’t (she knows what I like and how my brain works), but when I showed a friend photos of the dresses I tried on she made a face and said “I like some of those dresses, but I don’t think I like any of them on you.” that’s definitely not the energy I want while I’m trying on dresses (especially since one of those photos ended up being The Dress.)

-wear clothing and shoes that’s easy to slip on and off. I wore a comfy knit dress and ballet flats with slip shorts underneath. I wasn’t sure about a bra situation, especially since I didn’t think I would wear a full bra on my wedding day, so I just didn’t bother. If I was doing it again, I might wear a soft bandeau bra that would be easy to move around- but then again, without a bra it was easier to see how dresses would fit on me, especially with a lower back!

Wedding dress shopping is exhausting and overwhelming, but also incredibly fun and exciting. What would you suggest to someone trying on wedding dresses for the first time?

Wedding Wednesday: Photos and Videos

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Once we had our venue booked and our date set, our next big step was photography. And let me tell you, this had me sweating. Photography was hugely important to us- it’s the one thing you get to keep forever from your wedding day. Not only did we want great photos, but we wanted to work with a photographer that we could trust and feel comfortable around (a tall order for me, I’m 98% anxiety.)

And photography is expensive. We weren’t even sure about adding videography; between the two, we’d rather have the great photos, and we could always set up a tripod and a phone if we needed to film things.

It makes sense why it’s expensive, especially for your wedding day. But it’s still a lot. So just like the wedding venue research, I did a lot of research on local photographers. But unlike venues, where I scoured theknot and Zola, I looked at my friends who had gotten married in the last few years. That spoke a lot to me- getting that firsthand knowledge from someone I knew meant that I could really get a good feel for their experience.

As luck would have it, we ended up reaching out to just one photographer. A friend of mine had recently got married, I asked her who she worked with, and Shane and I set up a time to meet with them. We met Gabby and Mike at Disney Springs one evening after work, and we hit it off immediately. It turns out that not only did we share a lot of the same interests, but Mike and Shane had both been on Warped Tour years ago- they just barely missed each other!

We chatted back and forth over email about logistics, and- just like our venue- we knew it was just meant to be. The package we chose included an engagement session, a full photo release, and an edited video (and some other details- I can double check what they were!) And the whole package was lower than what we had originally budgeted for photography. It was honestly a miracle! We were so excited that we found a photographer and videographer that not only were capable, experienced, and very easy to communicate with, but we felt right at ease with them immediately. It was incredible!

What made you decide on your photographer? And did you decide to go with videography too?

Wedding Wednesday: Touring the Venue(s)

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This title might be a little misleading. You’ll see why.

We (me, my fiance, and my parents) took a look at all the options for wedding venues and decided on the first one to tour- Historic Venue 1902 in Sanford. I was a little hesitant, just worrying that it might end up being too expensive, but it did seem perfect. It wasn’t too far away, it had great parking and getting ready suites, and the most important thing to me- it had just the right vibes. Originally the venue had been a school built in 1902, and had been restored as an events venue. Not only did it have a sweet, whimsical, historical vibe, but it also had a lovely private garden out back for ceremonies. So needless to say, I was starting to get my hopes up.

The next tick in the “pros” column was that the coordinator immediately made me feel at ease. I’m a super anxious person, and she was so kind and personable right off the bat. She also immediately understood what I meant when I said I was going for a cottagecore/Anne of Green Gables aesthetic- huge for me!

The first room we toured was actually a restored classroom that looked the way the school would have in 1902- complete with chalkboards, old fashioned desks, and a teacher’s desk at the front. Shane turned to me, unprompted, and said “if you wanted to we could recreate the slate scene from Anne of Green Gables in here.”

Well, needless to say, I was immediately sold.

It only got better from there. The backyard garden was beautiful and private- and most importantly, there was a rain plan included in the package price, which is extremely necessary in rainy Florida but most venues make that an extra charge. The reception venue was the old school auditorium with a stage, and the principal’s office was now the perfect place for a desserts display. The bridal suite and the groom suite were incredible, the brick courtyard was gorgeous, and there was even a room we could rent for the rehearsal. All in all, it was perfect.

We sat down with the coordinator to go over the details after the tour, and she asked us what date we were looking at. Luckily, we didn’t have anything concrete in mind, and we were hoping for a non-weekend date, so we asked for any Thursday between October and February. (The coordinator was thrilled- most Saturdays were already booked up, and so many couples come in with a specific date only to get disappointed.) We tentatively picked a date, and said we would be in touch with our decision after we thought it over.

After the tour we went to a local restaurant (Hollenbach’s, a great German restaurant that incidentally would provide a morning-of breakfast for the bridal party) and talked it over. Everyone was on the same page- the venue was perfect, the package had everything we were looking for, and the cost for a Thursday wedding was surprisingly affordable. There was no point in even looking at other venues- we booked them that day for a wedding on December 1st!

It’s funny- the venue search was what I dreaded the most, and it turned out to be the easiest decision after all. How did you feel about picking your venue, and what was your deciding factor?