Category Archives: infertility

day 7/100: beginning of the end

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My BBT dropped to 96.87 and my resting heartrate dropped too, so that’s it. This cycle is another failure. It’s only 11DPO, so it’s both upsetting to reach this point again but helping that it isn’t getting dragged out, my hopes aren’t getting raised. Now I just have to wait for the bleeding to start.

Shane wanted to cheer me up when I got home from work; he took me out to Denny’s to get breakfast for dinner. It’s a little thing, nothing fancy, but he makes me feel so loved when he does things like that. Plus he really wants to get me out of the house more often, I don’t leave much.

Beauty and Health: make mood board for dream look

Oh man. I got stuck on this immediately. I don’t how I want to look at all. My style has changed a lot over the past few years- back in the day I was very twee/hipster/Modcloth/retro, then it turned into graphic tees and leggings, then I started trying to dress nicer. Now my wardrobe has basically become cottagecore sundresses or athleisure. Which is nice and all, but I still struggle with styling things. This weekend I want to sort through my wardrobe and really be honest with myself about how I want to look and if my wardrobe is actually working for me or not. And then maybe I can decide what my dream look is.

Creativity: make a new vision board

This also got me stuck pretty much immediately. I made vision boards for 2024 and 2025, and then just made myself sad because I didn’t get pregnant either of those years. The idea of making a vision board for 2026 just makes me sad. So…I kind of didn’t do this one. I might try again tomorrow.

Connection: reblog some of my favorite fanart with commentary

I have been very very lucky to get fanart for some of my fics, and I went through and reblogged a handful of them. It’s weird, though- I’m so anxious about promoting my own fics. I’m not very good at it, it just makes me feel nervous.

day 6/100: mixed emotions

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, sewing, the metaphor baby, TTC by

Today started off so promising and so awful at the same time. I got up with enough time to do almost my full morning routine, including a 30 minute treadmill walk, which is fantastic, but I’m 10DPO and my BBT took a huge drop, which is a pretty telltale sign that this cycle is another failure. I tried not to think about it too much during the day, but by the time I got home I was too sad to think about attempting my nighttime routine. So that was a huge bust.

Beauty and Health: figure out color season

I legitimately have no clue about what I am. My skin tends to have a neutral yellowy peach tone but I flush red/pink super easily. My natural hair color is a sad dirty blonde but I love dyeing it ginger. Originally I thought I was a warm spring, but I don’t feel like those colors suit me. Now I think I’m a soft summer. Thankfully those colors are already pretty prevalent in my wardrobe, but I have no idea what to do about my hair color. I tried dyeing it a more neutral ash light brown, but it immediately faded to a warm gingery blonde. Again. I think that’s just what my hair wants from me. But then I feel like all of me is the same weird gingery color, it’s too close to my skin color. I don’t know. I’ve got to play around with it some more.

Creativity: plan new sewing projects

I used to sew A LOT back in the day. I worked at a bridal shop, I sewed costumes for theatre productions, I made clothes for myself. Then…I don’t know. I just stopped. In the past few years I’ve made like two things. I want to get back into sewing, so I’m planning out sundresses I can make for my cruise, plus a dress I can wear to the Florence and the Machine concert in April.

Connection: cash in a Maeve coupon

Maeve is a super talented artist, and she gave me the all clear to add a few coupons for this challenge to cash in for artwork during this challenge. I can’t decide what I’ll ask her to draw, but I’ll think of something for sure.

Journaling: how is my heart doing, and what does it need to feel held?

day 5/100: staying upright

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

I really hate this part of my cycle. My BBT is staying up, but the rest of my body isn’t giving me any hopeful signs. Everyone always says not to think about it, but that’s all I can do.

So anyways.

Beauty and Health: go to bed earlier

I do a horrible job sleeping regularly. I want to be asleep by at least 11:30 every night, but sometimes I fall asleep at 10, sometimes I’m in bed by 11:30 and fall asleep at 2am. Tonight I’m determined to stick to the firm bedtime.

Creativity: start cruise packing list

My dad is retiring in April so for a celebration we’re going on a family cruise on the Disney Treasure for a week in May. It’s crazy- we’ve done more family vacations in the past year than we did in my entire childhood. But it’s giving me something to look forward to, I love writing packing lists and planning outfits.

Connection: make dream plans for Maeve to visit

My best friend Maeve lives across the country and we’re hoping she can come visit me later this year; we’ve chatted about what we want to do when she gets here. I sent her a couple of Tiktoks of fun local places and theme park things. I really hope she’s able to visit.

Journaling: what am I ready to release?

day 4/100: stalling

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby by

I feel like I’m stuck in the mud. I’ve been putting off this challenge for ages, and I think it’s because…I don’t want to have to do this. I don’t want to have to feel like I want to keep living, I don’t want to struggle to get pregnant, I don’t want to be like this. If my body just cooperated, I wouldn’t be doing this challenge. But it’s not, and here I am.

Today is 8dpo and I’m still in that maybe I’m pregnant, maybe I’m not stage. I’m leaning towards not. I’ve had multiple chemicals so at this point I know what I feel like when my body is attempting to function, and I’m not feeling any of that. But at the same I’ve never been successfully pregnant in the past three years, so who knows.

Anyways. The challenge.

Beauty and Health: set up regular purse

Back in December I bought myself a nice purse to use for everyday- I usually don’t care about that, I either bring a Loungefly for a park day or I just shove everything in my pockets. Neither is really ideal, I’d like to have a designated purse that looks nice and has everything I need without having to keep switching everything around. I like the purse I got (the Sloane bag from Popflex in taupe) but I haven’t even cut the tags off it, much less used it. I treated myself to a little Five Below/Target shopping run to stock it up. Now let’s see if I’ll actually use it.

Creativity and Self Care: do a sudoku puzzle

I don’t do much to challenge my mind, other than the occasional weeklong binge of Candy Crush, and that should probably change. I downloaded an app and played a few rounds. I don’t know if it’s necessarily for me, but it was nice to do something that actually used my brain cells.

Connection: create a starter kit for new readers

Okay, so this was pretty fun. I asked my followers on Tumblr what they would want to see for a starter kit- the general consensus was that Patron Saint of Lost Causes is my most iconic fic, so I started with that. I highlighted a couple of my most well known fics plus a little about me. I still haven’t hit publish on it, but I started it at least.

Cleaning

I’m going to be honest…I immediately fell off the wagon with this one. Cleaning just isn’t one of my skills, plus it’s tied up with the trauma I went through with my ex (a long story, I can explain that if anyone wants to know the Lore). I love the idea of picking one task per day, but it just doesn’t work for me. I’m going to try to do a thorough deep clean this weekend instead and see how much I can get done.

Journaling: where can I find peace, even just for today?

day 3/100: fighting anxiety

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

This challenge is great and also the most stressful thing I’ve ever done. On one hand, these activities genuinely are helpful. On the other hand, now that I’m blogging about it, and making Tiktoks, it’s terrifying to be vulnerable. But I need to stop hiding how sad I am and how much of a toll this has taken on me.

Today is 7dpo, so it’s still that Schroedinger’s phase- either implantation is working or it’s not. It’s so stressful but I’m trying not to stress; I’m trying not to think about it but it’s all I can think about. Truly an awful phase to be in.

My plan had been to get up early before work and get myself going- and that definitely didn’t happen. Another thing I’m trying to do is listen to my body and rest when I need it, and I definitely needed more sleep. I also forgot my Fitbit at home, so I couldn’t track my steps. Whoops. We’ll try again tomorrow!

Beauty and Health: buy new sunglasses

I’ve been putting off prescription sunglasses for years, for no real good reason. I just always talk myself out of them. So I ordered a cute pair of pink prescription sunglasses off Zeelool, and hopefully I’ll like them when they get here!

Creativity: sketch a dream dress

I’m planning on an outfit to make for a Florence and the Machine concert next month, so I’ve figured out what I want to sew. I really want a Victorian ghost nightgown meets Stevie Nicks, so I found a Gunne Sax inspired pattern on Etsy that will be perfect for the ten yards of ivory dotted swiss tulle I have in my stash.

Connection: brainstorm coping mechanisms with friends

Maeve has been my rock through the past three years- she’s helped so much with keeping me distracted. My therapist also send me resources of progressive muslce relaxation and I really hope that makes a difference.

Journaling prompt: what does beauty mean to me now?

This is an uncomfortable topic for me. I don’t feel beautiful ever- how could I possibly feel anything good about myself when my body doesn’t work? Maybe making myself go through this challenge will help shift that view.

day 2/100: getting started

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, infertility, the metaphor baby, TTC by

Like I expected, today was another day for prepping rather than actually jumping into the routines. But I still got a lot done! I actually went grocery shopping solo- which might sound silly, but usually I only shop with my husband, mostly because it’s more fun. But I think having an unreliable car really affected my ability to function, I’ve gotten in a really bad habit over never going anywhere without either borrowing my husband’s car or going with him. Today’s shopping was really successful though!

Today is cycle day 19, 6dpo, which means this starts the implantation window. I love and hate this stage so so much- every cycle I get my hopes up and think too much about every symptom and start picturing the timeline- when I’ll test, when I can tell people, when I’ll hit milestones, when I’ll be due. Inevitably I’ve been disappointed. At this point it’s hard to even envision what that’ll be like. Maybe cycle 42 will be different. Maybe it’ll be the same.

I didn’t do well with the eating and sleeping and exercising, but my goal for tomorrow is to start with the routine. I’m trying not to beat myself up or convince myself to restart everything- it’ll be okay! it’ll be fine! I’m not in trouble!

Beauty and Style: work on brows

My eyebrows have always been a huge annoyance. Most of the time I just let them do whatever and hope my glasses hide them, but I think I would feel better if they were better groomed. Eventually I’ll get up the nerve to have someone else wax them, but for today I slapped on some facial Nair and tweezed the strays. I think it made a difference?

Creativity and Self Care: research plants

I really want to have some flowers by my front door, but I live in a hot humid swamp, and in an apartment, plus I don’t really know much about plants. I don’t really want anything tropical either, but my desire for wildflowers probably won’t work out. After researching…maybe marigolds or gardenias?

Connection: catch up on AO3 comments

Confession time: I’m a huge lover of writing fanfiction. It’s fun, it’s creatively fulfilling without the pressure of original writing, and it’s a great way for me to make friends and connect with people. I’m just super behind on comments! I tried to knock out about 20-25 responses, but I still have a long ways to go.

Cleaning: catch up on laundry

We’ve gotten way behind on laundry, and when I say we I mean me. Shane and I believe in dividing our chores, and I’m usually on top of the laundry. It’s just gotten away from me. It doesn’t help that our sweet kitty is elderly (he just turned fifteen this week!) and he’s been having trouble with peeing, which means we tend to just toss in the stuff that…really needs to be washed. But today I did about five loads, and put them away! (Can we be real here- putting the laundry away is the worst step.)

Journaling: what emotions am I feeling today about TTC?

That wraps up day 2! Tomorrow I’m absolutely determined to get up early and stick to my routine. I don’t know if it’ll happen or if I’ll be too tired (I’m already behind on my self imposed bedtime), but I’m going to do my best.

day zero

Posted in 100 to Baby Challenge, health and fitness, infertility, mental and emotional, the metaphor baby, TTC by

I wanted to start a challenge in the new year, but I didn’t want to start it on January 1st. See, on January 1st I was seven days past ovulation, and I was really hoping that that cycle would work, and that I would finally be pregnant, and I wouldn’t need the challenge at all.

But here I am.

In February of 2023, my husband and I decided we wanted to start our family. I’ve wanted kids for as long as I can remember- when I was nineteen I wanted five children. We’d been together for seven years, we’d just gotten married, we felt ready. We knew that it might take a while, but hoped it wouldn’t take more than a year.

Today is January 9th, 2026. It’s my 40th cycle of trying. We still don’t have a baby. Doctors can’t tell us why.

There’s a lot more to the story, but that’s where we are right now. And it’s awful. It’s soul crushing and demoralizing and, quite frankly, really fucking depressing. The past almost three years have been so sad and so stressful.

I’m sure I’ll get into this more as time goes on, but where I am right now is that I want a full reset. Emotional, physical, mental. I’ve seen a lot of people on TikTok doing the 75 hard challenge, so I’ve decided to create my own version. A hundred day reset for myself, and hopefully by the end of the reset I’ll either be pregnant or in the thick of IVF.

My goals for the 100 days are:

-a daily journal prompt: unpacking my feelings about infertility, about trying to conceive, about my future as a mother

-something beauty and style related: I’ve neglected myself a lot in the past few years, just because it’s hard to feel anything positive about your body when it repeatedly betrays you

-something creative: I used to be so invested in writing and theatre and reading and sewing, and I’ve lost all of that.

-something connecting: I’m very lucky to have such a healthy, supportive, loving relationship with my husband, but it’s something that deserves to be cared for and nurtured while we’re dealing with this. And I’ve pulled away a lot from my friends, and it would be so helpful to nurture those relationships too.

In addition I want to focus on:

-improving my sleep

-eating consistently and staying hydrated

-moving regularly, at least 10k steps per day and incorporating workouts

-committing to EMDR therapy (just had my first session on the 2nd, and already a huge improvement from the disastrous attempt at talk therapy that I tried last year)

-getting myself onto a regular routine to manage my anxiety, improve my well-being, and keep my home clean

I’ve also taken a big step and finally started ballet classes, which is something I’ve wanted to do my entire life. I signed up for an absolute beginner ballet course with the Orlando Ballet; I had my first class on the 5th and loved it even though I was scared shitless.

Basically, I want to get myself into the healthiest place I can possibly be, physically and emotionally, before having a baby. I hope that that’s something that happens naturally- and maybe dealing with the extensive trauma I’ve been swallowing down for decades and allowing myself the grace to heal is just what I need. But our plan is to pursue IVF this year, and I want to give myself the best possible chance of success.

I’m not always great with following through on challenges. I’m hoping that through making myself keep up with blogging I’ll feel just enough pressure to maintain it. I might end up making a TikTok series as well- Shane has been encouraging me to do that, he thinks that would be good for me. But in the meantime, I’ll blog my way through the next hundred days and see where I’ll be by April 20th.

Please feel free to leave comments or questions- I’d love to connect with other people who might be going through the same things, or might want to try a reset for themselves too.